Because You Loved Flowers

 

Grandpa Greg's Funeral

Damon's Thoughts Offered at his Dad's Funeral:
"Pride is a funny word but it seems to be the only word that approaches what I feel when I say “I’m Greg Hullinger’s son” but it isn’t quite right. Proud sounds arrogant but I don’t feel arrogant, I feel profoundly humble. The word pride gets used in the context that something bad is about to happen to a person “pride goeth before the fall” or “his pride led to his downfall”. I understand that kind of pride but that’s not what I feel today. I’m hoping that I can help you feel what I feel as I remember my dad.

I'm 7 or 8. Just old enough to start caring about sports and what sports were how many points do you get for a touchdown or a field goal. I’d hear my mom tell me about how my dad went to BYU. My dad talked to me about BYU football all the time. I’d hear the game playing on the radio every Saturday. Dad loved the BYU Cougars. 8-year-old Damon took these facts and came up with his own set of facts. Dad was once a quarterback for the BYU Cougars. I told everyone because you see I was very proud of my dad. I told all my friends, their parents, kids at school, anyone that would listen. I think I may have even convinced a few of them but I don’t remember any adults correcting me on this alternate version of history. They understood where my heart was. The truth is dad was on the diving team at BYU. He loved the sport of it. I found his journal last week. I couldn’t put it down till I’d read it all. In his journal he talks about being on the 3rd string diving team and feeling driven to be as good as the first and second team divers someday. I’m as proud now as I was then as an 8-year-old boy. I’m proud that my dad was driven and used that drive to work hard instead of making excuses about why he wasn’t on the first team. My dad didn’t make excuses.

I’m 15, maybe 16 years old. I spent a lot of time with dad on scouting trips at that age. I remember one particular trip we were at Flaming Gorge. We were fishing and rafting the Green River and camping near a set of cliffs at Flaming Gorge reservoir known as Mustang Ridge. The cliffs were perfect for diving off into the reservoir. You could choose how high to climb before jumping. We had started at the bottom which was barely a high dive and worked our way up, jumping off a higher and higher perch until we had reached the pinnacle. We stood there timidly looking down at the water, skinny bodies shivering in the wind as we tried to get the nerve to jump. It was significantly higher than the previous lower jump. We’d inch closer to the edge, then back away after looking over at the water below. This went on for some time. I see my dad hiking towards us. I start to get nervous. I don’t want to disappoint him; I’m going to have to find the courage to jump. As dad reaches us, he doesn’t say a word. His shirt and shoes come off and in one motion he’s over the edge, head first! We looked at each other in disbelief. I mean jaw to the floor, that didn’t just happen disbelief. In my mind that cliff had to be at least 100’ tall. In reality it was more like 40’. As I’m looking around at my buddies talking about what had just happened, that familiar sense of pride welled up in me. I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to jump too and over the edge I went, albeit feet first, with my shoes on. I’m as proud of my dad today as I was then. As a dad myself now I recognize what he wanted to teach. Our actions speak louder than our words. My dad really embodied this idea.

I’m 30 something. For the first time my brother Adam and I are going on a big river trip with my dad. Adam and I would run our own raft, my dad would run his own raft. It was a big deal. We had worked up to this day by learning the ways of the river and how to safely navigate a river for many years leading up to this trip. He took the responsibility of teaching us very seriously. The trip would be a week on the Green River including hells half mile which would be the roughest stretch of class 3 and class 4 rapids we’d floated to date. There’s a story there, but I’ll save that story for another day, or maybe Adam will tell it, it’s a good one. We are four or five days into to the river trip. It’s getting dark, It’s raining, It’s cold. Earlier in the day we decided that we could make a push to another campsite further down the river, the one we were intending to use was already occupied and we didn’t feel like sharing the campsite with another group. As we pushed on Adam and I noticed that dad was falling behind, he wasn’t able to keep up. It was the first time I saw my dad as mortal, vulnerable. He was cold, shivering and exhausted. He pulled alongside us so that Adam could take the oars from him while I rowed our raft alone. We rowed as hard as I’ve ever rowed for the next hour and pulled into our campsite just as it was getting too dark to see. As we put up our tent in the dark I still remember the sense of pride about doing something for him for once. That night as we laid in our sleeping bags, too exhausted to cook dinner, eating beef jerky and cheese, we talked about the hard day behind us. We were equals. We were men. Not father and son, more like brothers. I was overcome with a feeling of gratitude and respect. Humility allowed that moment to happen. Please son, it’s time for you take the oars from me. That’s as far as I can go.

What’s it like to be Greg Hullinger’s son? I’m not sure I have a word for it but it feels like humble-proud.

As we thought about a musical number for today's services, I volunteered my daughter Kandus to play a piece on the piano. She said that she was happy but nervous to do it. Kandus is going to play Anne’s Theme. It's a score from the 4 part series Anne of Green Gables that aired on PBS in the 80’s, adapted from the books by L.M. Montgomery. I think dad would have loved it. I’ll leave you with Anne’s closing thoughts. It seems to summarize my dad’s life nicely.

“I went looking for my ideals outside myself and discovered it’s not what the world holds for you, it’s what you bring to it. The dreams dearest to my heart are right here.”

Sunburst

Back when I worked at Deck-it, Dad and I were able to spend a lot of our days together. That time was what I call the beginning of building our "real" relationship. It's hard for me not to have remorse and regrets for how I treated him at times when I was younger. I don't believe he deserved it. But, I am so grateful for my change of heart over the years and that is what I try to hold on to. All I have now and have had for a long time, is love.

I remember one day at Deck-It, Dad told me about a dream that he had about him and I. He said that there was a brick wall between us and that I purposefully knocked it down while driving full speed backwards. I wish I could give him a hug and tell him that we did it together.

Do you remember that big, beautiful Sunburst Locust tree he planted in front of the cabin at the old house? That tree has always reminded me of him.
I wrote this for you Dad...

Long ago you had a dream.

There was a wall between us,

I broke it down.

But, it wasn't me alone,

We broke it down together.

***

A golden sunburst bloomed,

And now a giant Locust tree breathes in its place.

Splashes of yellow gold and green sway back and forth like glitter above me,

And warm my broken heart.

Only sweetness,

Only love is left to feel.

Dad, did you know,

Did you know you are my sunburst?

Did you know that you were always enough? 

I love you Dad, and miss you already.

Love, Annie

Grandpa DaWayne Dies

  

My dad, and our grandpa DaWayne, died today. This came as a surprise to all of us. Two months ago, he fell on the ice and hit his head hard. He ended up having a subdural hematoma in the left side of his brain. He started loosing his speech and right side function 2 weeks ago, which they wondered if was a stroke. They operated and drained blood from the left side, but it wasn't enough. His brain was still bleeding and he was loosing a lot of spinal fluid.

     I got to talk to him in the hospital the day before they decided to do the second surgery. He was talkative and I watched him happily eat what would be his last meal, turkey, mashed potatoes, salad and cheesecake. I could tell he was afraid and was needing my mom. He kissed me on the cheek before I left and just like always, worried that he had scratched my face with his whiskers. The next day, after the surgery, he never regained consciousness. His frontal lobe was severely damaged and we didn't have any options left but to take him off life support. My heart hurts so much. My dad was the most kind, friendly, loving, hugging, accepting person I knew. I loved him.

Talking To My Dad

After parking the truck in the densely packed parking lot, I walked down the long sidewalk, anxiously wanting to see you. I turned the corner and headed toward the hospital entrance. There I saw a water fountain and behind it a bench. A woman sat there alone. She was patiently watching passerby's through her big glasses, her face taking in the warmth of the Spring sunshine. Tears welled in my eyes; I instantly knew it was mom. There she sat in calmness and elegance, with both feet on the ground and hands in her lap. I knew she had been waiting for you, trying not to worry. She spent many hours on this bench. When she wasn't allowed to be with you, she would walk the long hospital hallway and make her way out here, where it was warm and peaceful...and wait.

Dear Dad,

There are so many things I hope that I get the chance to tell you before you go. I love you, Dad.

Growing up, I remember you waking me up every morning, singing to me. You would brush my forehead and bangs with your big loving hands. It would usually make my hair crazy and really static, but without a doubt I felt loved by you and felt like I was the only one in the world that mattered to you at that moment. 

I remember in the winter time when it was cold, you would build fires in the fireplace down stairs and make it so toasty warm. I loved it so much. You would warm up rocks on top of the stove and would warm my feet up by wrapping the rock up in a towel and putting it in under the blankets on my bed by my feet.  

I remember many times when I was sick with a croupy cough, but one time in particular. I was pretty young and it was winter. The protocol for this frequent occasion was that first, mom would take me in the steam filled bathroom to loosen the cough, then you would take me outside into the cool night air. That is what happened. I remember you wrapping me up in the warmest blanket possible and taking me out onto the balcony. As I looked out into the backyard that I knew so well, everything was dark, yet wintry white and peaceful. I didn't feel afraid because I knew that you had me. You talked to me and told me to breathe. You showed me the stars and probably told me a stories about our "Pinky and Blacky", my favorite. My breathing got easier after a bit. I was safe with you and I loved you.

Communal With Grandpa Greg

Yesterday (Thanksgiving day) was grandpa Greg's birthday, so tonight our family took him out to eat at Communal, a nice restaurant in Provo. We tried lots of dishes that were shared. Like, Halibut, steak, scallops, lobster pasta, kale salad, meats and cheese plate, and brussel sprouts. The food was amazing and so fun to try all of those things with family.

Rattetouille and Linguini Host Dinner

Grandma and grandpa hosted a Halloween dinner party at their house. It was amazing. The kids were inviting to help grandma with serving. It was a deliciously fun night. Thanks mom and dad.

Me as chicken cordon bleu and Dae as Hasenpfeffer.

The banquet table.

Three adorable helpers.

A Small Thanksgiving of Plenty

 In the picture we were making a before dinner snack. It was pickled asparagus and cheeses rolled in prosciutto, if I remember right. 

We had Thanksgiving with grandpa Greg at our home this year. It was fun to be home for a change. It was just us and him and it was so enjoyable. We had some one on one time with him which doesn't happen often. You would think we wouldn't have a big selection of food but on the contrary, we actually did and it was delicious. Grandpa Greg is such a great cook.

River Trip~ Desolation

Andi, Annie, Damon, Ashley, Adam, Greg. 

River trip from the past...

This river trip was 7 years ago in the summer of 2006. Kandus was almost 5, Lucy was about 19 months old. 

Before the trip I was so nervous about leaving the girls for 5 whole days. Not only because it was my first time leaving them, but because where we were going there would be no phone service, just like in the olden days. How did people cope without technology? I guess when it's what you are used to, you don't know any different. First off I should say, that it was very good for me to let go and after I finally got over the fact that I had no control over their safety and happiness out there in the middle of nowhere, I decided to have fun and it became a blast. So glad we went. I enjoyed the time alone with Dae, time that we needed. If you have never been river tripping, these are some things you should come to expect and just...well, let me just say that it is a good thing that I love camping and the great outdoors.

River tripping ins-and-outs...

 Keep everything you own in dry bags throughout the river portion of the day.

Poop buckets(Keep the river sights clean and sanitary!)

Everyone peeing in the river together at stopping points(Is that sanitary?)

"Bathing"(swimsuits and soap) in the river.

Set up and take down camp each new day.

Lots and lots of snacking.

Use frozen water bottles as your ice and your cold water all trip long.

Last but not least...

If you fall overboard during bigger rapids, make sure your feet are in front of you while going downriver(Don't be a backwards jockey).

(Dae trying to make a sail so we could pick up some speed through the slow parts)

One of the highlights of this trip that I will always remember, was sharing tents with Damon's siblings; talking, playing games, and laughing at bedtime just like we did when we were kids. I learned pretty quickly that Andi talks in her sleep, A LOT. On one occasion Damon even had to direct her back to her sleeping bag. There was one night when we were all sound asleep and I was awoken in pitch blackness by a very LOUD and LONG rumbling. My mind put together that the noise had to be a massive heard of wild horses heading right toward our tents. My heart jumped out of my chest as I sat straight up panicking and said in horror, "Oh my gosh! Damon! What is that?!"

He instantly said, "It's ok Ann, it's just a rockslide"...

Then I imagined giant boulders coming right towards us and I'm not sure, but I think that might be even worse!! "What?!", I said.

"But they are on the other side of the riverbed. It's ok Ann, that's why we camped on this side. We're safe", he promised. All I could think of was how glad I was that the guys thought of that, because I didn't.

After I took a minute to relax and adjust to the idea that I was in fact, NOT going to die at that moment, I heard Andi quietly say from the other side of the tent, "You ok Annie?"...

I was ok...and I laughed when I realized that I was actually questioning at that moment whether Andi was really awake or not. I think that was the only comment Andi made during all the nights in which she wasn't sleep talking. It was pretty funny. Thanks Mica for taking care of our girls while we were gone!

Easter salmon and shrimp fry.

For the past 5 Easters or more, we have been invited to grandpa Greg's for a seafood- salmon and shrimp fry, followed by an Easter egg hunt. We look forward to it every year now. Not just for the tempting food, but for the time spent with people we love and don't see near enough.
Did you know that our Grandpa Greg is a culinary artist?

Last Saturday, waiting for the hunt to begin...

(Harry's eyes crack me up)

(Some of the family chillin' on the grass after the hunt.)

Western Family Photo.

This very picture has been hanging up in my Mom and Dad's house for as long as I can remember.
Probably taken in the year 1979.

I have always loved the old fashioned outlaw/western theme.

Jen, do you still have that hat?

Front center: Annie, Mom, and Katie.

Middle, left: Becky and Dad.

Back row: Jenny, Steven, Ken, Shannon, and Mckay.

(missing 4 younger siblings)

Christmas Day with Family.

We had some visitors at our home~ grandpa Bart and grandma LuJean.

Thank you for the gifts...but most of all, thanks for coming up to be with us. We LOVE it when you come.

Our family on Christmas day.

At grandpa Greg's house. He asked the girls to draw him pictures with their new art supplies; which they happily abliged. (they both drew a picture of themselves with grandpa Greg)

Mom and Dad Cordner(reading the Christmas card ~ from all 12 of their children)

I love you Mom and Dad.

Gingerbread and Candy.

(Front row to back/left to right) Deacon, Noah, Harrison, Mckay.

Adam, Kandus, Emily, Amie Jo, Lucy.

Annie, Payton, Charlie, Brook.

Ashley, Damon, Greg, Andi, Jason, Ellie, Ryan.

A night of soup, family, and candy houses.

Pictures of the night and a few candy house tips...

#1 Dump any and all excess frosting on top of your candy house when you're done. That way none goes to waste and you've also created a winter wonderland scene. (bottom right)

#2 Cut, cut, cut all your candy...the whole evening long.

#3 Lastly, eat all your candy...first not after.

That's how candy-house making night is done.

ballerina for a night.

My most memorable Halloween as a youngster, was when I was about 5 years old(around 1982).

I dressed as a beautiful ballerina - all pink.

I remember it so well because I looked amazing. I also remember it so well because it snowed about a foot that night.

I don't have a picture of this particular Halloween....But if I did have a picture, I would imagine myself to look just like my big sister Shannon in the picture below. So let's just imagine that it's me.

Here I am as a beautiful ballerina...

(my older siblings - Shannon, Ken, Jenny, and McKay)

On this most snowy of Halloween's I remember hearing my mom say that we would have to cancel trick-or-treating this year...the roads were just too bad.

I was so disappointed.

I also remember my siblings and I begging my dad relentlessly, to still take us out anyway.

Which he did.

He drove from door to door and waited for me in the car as I trudged through the deep snow in my boots and ballerina tights.

Of course I didn't care that my legs and feet were freezing. Feeling like a princess for a night was much more important than a matter like that.

I would like to say-

Dad, thanks for letting me be a beautiful pink ballerina for a night.

For driving us around in the cold snow, even when you probably didn't want to.

I will always remember it as my most memorable Halloween as a child.

I love you Dad.

45.

To

Dad and Mom,

today is your wedding anniversary...45 years.

I'm so happy and proud that I have you as parents.

your Anna Panda Pooper

visiting you.

Memorial weekend we enjoyed a much needed visit at grandpa Bart and grandma LuJean's house. We had such a good time. Some of what we did...

Grandpa let the kids paint the hot rod(go kart) he made just for visiting grandkids like them...

all different colors was best.

Dae pushed the girls around on it recklessly, as they squealed and laughed with fright.

Flowers for grandma.

Jack being teased while he was resting peacefully.(look closely)

Deac's very own go kart made by his grandpa Bart.

We took a walk on a cool evening, down the street to feed the neighbor's horses some carrots.

After a hot day of swimming and eating burgers.

We left their porch and driveway completely decorated with sidewalk art. Here is just a small taste.

The ride home with a very tired boy.

Thanks for a wonderful time. We love both of you!