I realize this topic may be hard or inappropriate to some of you and if that is the case I will not take offense. This is a place that I can "express" openly and it is time that I stopped hiding in shame.
This is me...
Dedicated to my children. I want you to know that it is ok to question and to find your own way. Never believe that you must suppress important questions; questions are GOOD.
I don't believe people need religion to be good people. I no longer believe that people without religion are more likely to be bad people. Despite being told this, I no longer believe that a person that leaves their religion, becomes "wicked or sinners" because they don't have the influence of god or the "holy ghost" anymore. In fact, I believe history has taught us that religion makes good people do terrible things, even if it is against their better judgement, and all in the name of being faithful and a "good follower". If there is one thing that makes sense to me right now, it is that I am happier when I distance myself from it. I have been inactive for the most part of 11 years now, back and forth as to whether or whether not I am doing the right thing by leaving. I would love to completely be free of it, including the guilt, but at the same time I am so afraid to let go because of what I have been taught...meaning our family won't be sealed forever. What a wonderful promise it is to know you will be together forever. But is THAT even real??...There is no solid proof. I feel religion is a python wrapped around my neck squeezing tighter and tighter, and I wonder if I break away completely, just maybe I will be free. Free from a god that punished people for being born black. Free from a god that scolds and dismisses lesbians and gays. Free from a god that favors men and demeans and mistreats women; I don't care if it all was in the past. You can excuse polygamy any way you want to, but it will always be ugly. What good is everlasting life with god if you are mistreated there? Honestly, I don't want to be a part of any god that would do that to me, and if there is a god, I don't believe he is the god I was taught to believe in. I feel I am sitting on a fence post of indecision with a choice of damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Either way, I feel I will loose. One thing's for sure, I will never completely leave unless there is no question in my mind that it is all a lie. I must be completely sure. I need some real answers and telling me to "just have faith" isn't going to work anymore. I was taught that to question is the same as weakness, but I don't believe that anymore. I have learned that I love NOT doing things out of guilt or because I'm worried that god will be disappointed with me. What I do, I want to do because I think it is right; because it feels right.
To my Dae: I was the one that got you thinking something wasn't right way back then. But...I still don't understand HOW you left your religion and don't feel any guilt? How can you trust yourself when everyone around you, even those you look up to, are telling you that you are wrong and that you will regret it? How can you be so sure? Don't you fear god?...I may not see your resolve exactly the way you do, but there are a couple of things that I do know and see. I see that you are happier, that the confusion behind your eyes is gone. I know whatever side of the fence I decide on will be ok with you, that you want me to be happy making my own choice. I know that we are in this together and always have been, even though we don't agree on everything. I know without a doubt your intentions. I know all you crave is the truth. How could anyone be offended at that?? How could anyone not see you as an example of bravery? You are the most genuine person I know. I remember, you told me not too long ago that the reason you finally dared look for answers to your questions, is because you realized that you're not afraid to be wrong anymore.
I realized that I desperately crave the truth too, but I'm still too afraid to be wrong. Dae, thank you for wanting me to be happy. Thank you for wanting me to be me.
I am so proud to call you "my Dae", in this crazy wonderful life.
Your Ann.
(picture of Damon and Deac from 2010)
This is me...
Dedicated to my children. I want you to know that it is ok to question and to find your own way. Never believe that you must suppress important questions; questions are GOOD.
I don't believe people need religion to be good people. I no longer believe that people without religion are more likely to be bad people. Despite being told this, I no longer believe that a person that leaves their religion, becomes "wicked or sinners" because they don't have the influence of god or the "holy ghost" anymore. In fact, I believe history has taught us that religion makes good people do terrible things, even if it is against their better judgement, and all in the name of being faithful and a "good follower". If there is one thing that makes sense to me right now, it is that I am happier when I distance myself from it. I have been inactive for the most part of 11 years now, back and forth as to whether or whether not I am doing the right thing by leaving. I would love to completely be free of it, including the guilt, but at the same time I am so afraid to let go because of what I have been taught...meaning our family won't be sealed forever. What a wonderful promise it is to know you will be together forever. But is THAT even real??...There is no solid proof. I feel religion is a python wrapped around my neck squeezing tighter and tighter, and I wonder if I break away completely, just maybe I will be free. Free from a god that punished people for being born black. Free from a god that scolds and dismisses lesbians and gays. Free from a god that favors men and demeans and mistreats women; I don't care if it all was in the past. You can excuse polygamy any way you want to, but it will always be ugly. What good is everlasting life with god if you are mistreated there? Honestly, I don't want to be a part of any god that would do that to me, and if there is a god, I don't believe he is the god I was taught to believe in. I feel I am sitting on a fence post of indecision with a choice of damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Either way, I feel I will loose. One thing's for sure, I will never completely leave unless there is no question in my mind that it is all a lie. I must be completely sure. I need some real answers and telling me to "just have faith" isn't going to work anymore. I was taught that to question is the same as weakness, but I don't believe that anymore. I have learned that I love NOT doing things out of guilt or because I'm worried that god will be disappointed with me. What I do, I want to do because I think it is right; because it feels right.
To my Dae: I was the one that got you thinking something wasn't right way back then. But...I still don't understand HOW you left your religion and don't feel any guilt? How can you trust yourself when everyone around you, even those you look up to, are telling you that you are wrong and that you will regret it? How can you be so sure? Don't you fear god?...I may not see your resolve exactly the way you do, but there are a couple of things that I do know and see. I see that you are happier, that the confusion behind your eyes is gone. I know whatever side of the fence I decide on will be ok with you, that you want me to be happy making my own choice. I know that we are in this together and always have been, even though we don't agree on everything. I know without a doubt your intentions. I know all you crave is the truth. How could anyone be offended at that?? How could anyone not see you as an example of bravery? You are the most genuine person I know. I remember, you told me not too long ago that the reason you finally dared look for answers to your questions, is because you realized that you're not afraid to be wrong anymore.
I realized that I desperately crave the truth too, but I'm still too afraid to be wrong. Dae, thank you for wanting me to be happy. Thank you for wanting me to be me.
I am so proud to call you "my Dae", in this crazy wonderful life.
Your Ann.
(picture of Damon and Deac from 2010)
Some words that say a lot to me...
"We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers. I don't want to believe, I want to know. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.” Carl Sagan
"Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear. Man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without a rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such persons, gullibility which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason, and the mind becomes a wreck." Thomas Jefferson
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